O Caramel: a story of weakness in four movements
#1)
Even body parts with relatively few nerve endings can experience severe scalding. The spot right behind your front teeth, just as a for-instance. That part, yeah, it’s wet, but it’s not like firewood. It burns just fine.
#2)
In totally unrelated news, while caramel-chocolate-chip cookies are undoubtedly best eaten straight from the flaming-hot cookie sheet, it’s probably best to let them cool a bit before eating the caramel overflow off the spatula.
#3)
Also apropos of nothing, the American teenager, when gaming with industrial noise-canceling headphones, may not hear caramel cookie-related enjoinders. However, in a presumed survival adaptation, the olfactory sense may overcompensate, helping to alert said teenager to environmental opportunities.
#4)
In further dissolute ruminations, let’s suppose you only liked the caramel, not the chocolate bits, in a certain Safeway brand of cookies. In this situation, your best bet is to produce a child with inverse preferences for chocolate over caramel. Failing this, and faced with a burdensome teenager who shares your caramel proclivities, should you find yourself, like some kind of fucking monster, taking advantage of the slightly delayed aforementioned olfactory alertness reflex, and idly pie-slicing said cookies with the edge of the spatula, trying to excise the caramel without hauling back any chocolate — well, it might interest you to know that if you have not let them cool as I advised you in #2, and if they are cooked exactly right (which is to say, insufficiently, due to impatience), they can be almost seamlessly welded, using the fingers, back into a wobbly yet plausible circle in a way that might allow you to escape detection and reprimand.
But probably not. May god be with you.
